PART 8: VIOLET

January 2020, Sydney

Well, I went to work this morning after waking up at 8 and nearly cancelling. I went in, I persevered. I got in at 10 and I left at midday and now it’s 1pm and I am back in my usual moping position, on my bed, watching the tennis. But, I did go yesterday and stayed the whole shift and I actually had a pretty decent day. It was better than what I was expecting. It was a full shift, there were 14 girls on and I still made a dece’ amount.

One of my clients though had the same now as my now ex and another one looked exactly like him. So, that fucking sucked. But the one that looked like him is, I wouldn’t say a regular, because it would have been close to a year since he booked me last. But he is definitely a repeat customer. But he just has the biggest dick I have ever seen in my life. It’s outrageous and he’s quite attractive as well. He’s in his mid to late thirties with quite a few tattoos that are covertly hidden under his business attire, he’s a psychologist. Yeah I just love spending 45 minutes hooking up with him for money. So I saw him yesterday, that made me feel a little bit better.

I’ve just been spending so much time thinking about my life, really taking stock of it and just feeling really disappointed, maybe a little helpless, when I think about the past decade. When I was 19 that was the last uncomplicated, full happy, pure year of my life. I graduated high school and then I had a gap year where I didn’t travel, I stayed in my home town and worked a job so I could save enough money to get youth allowance so I would be supported by the government when I went to uni.

I went to boarding school, so in that time I reconnected with all of my ‘at home’ friends. My hometown is a really small country town about 6 hours north west of Sydney. So, I reconnected with all of my friends from there and we all worked at the same places and spent a whole bunch of time hanging out and it was so lovely. It was the last year of my life where everything was drama free and nice. Then this past decade has just been absolute chaos.

I was thinking, when I was on my way home from work an hour ago, when I tapped out exceptionally early, I was thinking if I could go back a decade and just start everything over, I would take that offer. I love my friends, I love my apartment. In a lot of ways I am very fortunate, but, at the same time, if I knew what the past decade had been like and had a do-over I honestly don’t think that I would have joined the sex industry. I don’t think I would have dated the majority of the people I dated, certainly not actually. The landscape of my life would be so different. I’m finding that lately I have such a deep longing to go back and change so much about my life. But, you know, you can’t rewind time, at least not in 2020. You can’t rewind time and you can’t have a do-over. All you’ve got to do is look forward and try to make the best of it from where you’re at now.

But, my god, it’s eating up a lot of my thoughts.

And that’s how I’m doing today.